It’s just a few months into the minor hockey season and out of nowhere my buddy Leo’s seven-year old son Kyle suddenly surprised him with the news that he had decided to switch from being a forward to becoming a goalie.
A former goalie himself, Leo was delighted. So they loaded up on all the new gear on the weekend. While Leo was helping him put it on in the basement for the very first time, Kyle’s mom Terry stood at the top of the steps and called down to find out how he was doing.
Mom: "So? Let’s have it, Junior. I’m waiting on pins and needles for an update."
Son: "Come on, Mom. You know better than that. You don’t sit on knitting. It’s supposed to be on your lap. How many times have I told you that?"
Mom: "Stop, my stitches. Just get back to the important matter at hand. How’s it going on down there?"
Son: "Well, I‘ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
Mom: "Neither, thanks. If it’s all the same to you."
Son: "Come on, Mom. You have to pick one or the other. You know the rules."
Mom: " Where is that written?"
Son: "The clock’s ticking."
Mom: "What are the choices again?"
Son: You have until the count of three: 1, 2, ..."
Mom: " Good news or bad news, eh? That’s really tough, you know."
Son: "Mommmmm?
Mom: "I was just messing with you. Don‘t get your little shorts in a knot. Well, just to be on the safe side, I think I‘d better use up my a lifeline and take the 50/50."
Son: "I hate to break it you Mom, but Dad’s shaking his head. He says they got rid of the 50/50 in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire a long time ago."
Mom. "So I‘ll just have to phone a friend, then. Be a lamb and call your Auntie Carol. Make sure to call collect, too. Give her a taste of her own medicine."
Son: "Dad says the phone a friend thing is gone, too. Nice try."
Mom: "So, I guess that leaves me no alternative but to ask the audience. Can I still do that?"
Son: "Yeah, he says. That’s still around. Trouble is we’re the only ones down here. There’s no audience. Community cable wouldn’t pick this up. He tried."
Mom: "Ok. Ok. You win. I give up. I’ll pick one. Give me the good news first, I guess."
Son: "You’re sure, now?"
Mom: Positive."
Son: "Is that your final answer?"
Mom: "Final answer."
Son: "Terrific. The good news is that I finally got all my goalie equipment on."
Mom: "Wow. And to think it only took a measly one hour and 45 minutes, too. I‘m so proud of you. But, enough stalling. Don’t keep me in suspense. So, what‘s the bad news?"
Son: "I can‘t move."
Jamie Wayne is a columnist who takes writing very seriously. The topics? Not so much. His column appears every Thursday. Reach him at jamie.wayne@sympatico.ca
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