Q:My sister who’s 38 and single, has had two children in the past four years and never told my mother nor me just who is the father of those kids. We both strongly believe that’s because the man is still married to someone else, not our sister!
Had our own beloved dad not died five years ago, he’d never have let my sister get away with keeping this secret from us. And he would’ve had a lot to say to the man involved in this secret!
I did some sleuthing by talking to a former co-worker of my sister whom I happen to know. She said she and others have believed that the father had once also worked at the same company.
There’d been gossip over the years because suddenly she was pregnant (twice) but never said she had a partner nor mentioned having had in vitro fertilization with donor sperm nor any other pregnancy means, such as a fertilized donor egg, to any of her women friends at the office.
All my mother and I have been told is that she has two children, and over these four years she’s brought them to visit us every couple of months, but never stays more than an hour and won’t answer questions.
She says, “I’ve brought two healthy beautiful children into our family. You don’t need to know any more than that.”
I took her aside one day six months ago and said, “If the children’s father is married to someone else, you should be making sure he’s set up a fund for your children, separate from anything he’s arranged for children he may’ve already had.”
She dismissed me with, “That’s not your business.” Maybe so, but I worry about her and these two children, and also whether there’ll be more fatherless kids. When I asked, “Who’ll be responsible for them if anything happens to you?” she responded for the first time: “Their father will. He’s close to them.”
So now my mother and I know only that much. What do you think we should do regarding these youngest members of our family?
Uncomfortable Aunt and Grandmother
A:Back off from all questioning of your sister, and especially from any gossiping with her past colleagues or and/or confidantes. This is her story to tell when it suits her and/or if it’s also best for the children to know (which they may, already).
Engage with the children in a caring way when you have the chance to see and be with them. Ask no questions, just be attentive and loving. You worry about their father’s level of involvement … but your own unbiased acceptance of them, as they are, is what will shape your relationship with them from childhood to future adults.
The same goes for your ability to keep a non-judgmental tie to your sister — which is still a caring one, and the hopefully special relationship that your mother can have with her daughter, sharing the knowledge of raising young people.
Whoever their father is, the children know him and he’s part of their life. I have no doubt that more reassuring facts will be revealed in time. Let that happen naturally.
One thing’s been made evident: Your sister’s thoughtfully raising her two children and purposefully introduced them to you and her mother, because she ultimately trusts that you will both do the right thing and show them love.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Relationship styles and attitudes that suit some couples don’t always suit other people’s social or moral judgments. The best reaction is to leave their personal business to themselves.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.
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